Dearest Emily,
It’s quiet here now.
Too quiet.
There’s a silence in the halls where there used to be slipper shuffles. The fridge still opens, but nothing falls out onto the floor anymore, and I know it sounds dumb, but I miss that, and the “whoops…” afterwards. And your room feels like it’s holding its breath, waiting for you to come back. Your stuff is still here, like a reminder that you aren’t.
I miss you so much it physically hurts. Like I feel like I’m gonna throw up and break in half at the same time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how things felt at the very end, and I want to say something really important: I’m sorry.
I should have been a better sister for you. I shouldn’t have spent so much time alone; I shouldn’t have said “no” so much. I should have taken a step back and seen the full picture. Every single day is a memory; from the first time you went to an American grocery store to the last time we did our secret handshake. It’s the small things. I should have understood that you have to deal with this pain too.
Emily, you were the highlight of my year. My bright spot. My sister. You were there for me on hard days, cheering me on when I wanted to give up. You gave the best advice, the warmest hugs, and always, always had my back. That is why I need to you be a cheerleader with me next year.
You got me. Like, really got me. More than anybody else on the face of this earth, you understood my life from a perspective that nobody else could see.
The image that keeps flashing into my mind is the last time I saw you, wearing all black like it was a funeral. Mom did your hair in braids, and you slept with them in, so they were poofy, but you didn’t care. You disappeared behind the airport revolving door and the whole family just broke down crying. I will never forget the last time we did our sister handshake.
And now that you’re not here, I feel it every single day (even though it has only been two). The ache. The missing. I haven’t slept for real in a really long time. I cried myself to sleep at 2 AM and had a dream that our family was still there, eating dinner, and you playing chess with Dad. I miss our talks and our jokes and even fighting over who had to scoot in the car. You made my year the best one ever, and now it’s hard to imagine the next one without you.
But no matter how far you are, I want you to know this: you are still my sister. You are still my best friend. And I love you more than I know how to say out loud.
Thank you for changing my life this year. Thank you for making our family better. You are forever welcome here, always wanted, and endlessly missed. No literally, come back because I have nobody grounding me anymore. You belong here, with us. We all want you back.
Note: I was going to steal your room, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s still yours.
All my love,
Your forever sister from across the world,
Liv